At the urging of my publisher I began writing a blog to promote my book before it was published. “You need to build a platform, an audience,” the publisher had said. But I don’t want to write a blog I whined in my mind, and then I began a blog. And a funny thing happened. I discovered that I absolutely love keeping a blog. And then a not so funny thing happened. My publisher, like so many others, was looking at an uncertain financial future. Which meant that my book was also looking at an uncertain future. More to the point, it meant I was back at square one looking for a new home for my “baby.”
More often than not, I’m a “look for the silver lining” sort of gal. Yet, this time, as much as I tried saying out loud, “I’m sure my book will end up in an even better place!” I had a terrible stomachache and even whispered the words, I don’t care if the book ever gets published and I don’t want to write anymore.
I tried pulling myself out of the shock, depression and grief, but long walks, frequent naps and chocolate bars only left me feeling more sick, exhausted and hopeless.
When I went into premature labor with Andie 10 years ago, I looked desperately into the eyes of a nurse and said things like this don’t happen to me and she looked right back at me and said they do now.
Now, 10 years later I’ve learned that the book about my daughter’s uncertain birth faces and uncertain birth and I cried to a friend and said, things like this don’t happen to… and even though I caught myself before I could finish, it didn’t matter. My friend and I laughed at what I’d almost said. And I know now, as I knew then, that yes, things like this – uncertainty, grief, sorrow, trauma – do happen to me. And that I am strong and that I can overcome and that I must trust and believe and know… that anything is possible.